reflections

this post is to rant – so please bear with me cos’ i am hoping that after I pen my thoughts – they can ‘escape’ somewhere and allow me to sleep better at night.

I am a pig and can sleep within 5 mins of hitting the pillow – but the past few weeks?  tossing, turning and feeling every single breeze of the fan (not in a good way!).  getting into zzz land has been a struggle.  and when i DO sleep – have loads of dreams. some ridiculous, but i can almost never remember them – only that they are ridiculous.

Consciously i think I am handling the situation okay.  But subconsciously, i probably am still bothered – and my body is telling me by refusing to let me have a restful sleep (and boy have I learnt to try to listen to my body over the years!).

About what you might ask?   well, i decided to close my brownie business after 3 years.  i started the business first in a community shared kitchen on a part-time basis to test how receptive the market was, and in recent months – had the opportunity to have the kitchen area to myself – so i took it.

Sadly, within a short span of 10 months – i decided to close the business. I was sub renting the kitchen space from the main tenant, and several times, he told us that the future of the place was in jeopardy.  I looked for alternatives during this period, but the though of shifting all my equipment / paying at least 3 times more rent / plus losing my deposits if i shifted out early before he confirmed giving up the place…well, i made a decision to stay put – it was probably just easier.

the funniest part is that much as i WAS struggling to stay at the current place (cos’ mainly it had the cheapest rental) – i decided to give it up at the very moment the rental issue was solved (a new tenant took over the place, and she is seriously one of the nicest, most generous person i know).

you must be thinking i’m bonkers.   why give up when the solution is already in place??  many reason, but also very simple. i felt so drained after the six months of uncertainty – that my reservoir of energy was depleted and I no longer had the motivation/passion/interest.  In fact, at one point i wondered if the universe was telling me to leave that place.  also practically, i knew i had to bring the business to the next level to be sustainable, and that required more time / energy / money – all of which I couldn’t or don’t want to give more.

Much as it was difficult and many times very trying – I love the past few years.  It pushed me to try new stuff (esp talking to strangers! yikess!!!!), learning new skill sets, getting things done, etc etc. I don’t regret leaving the corporate world to try this my hand at business and it surely helped me rediscover a zest for life and / trying new things and keeping my brain engaged!   if i didn’t – i think i would remain pretty much like this picture below – zombified.

that’s how i felt about myself in the corporate world – lifeless – absolutely no zest for life, bored and just blah. not a good feeling. the salary was good though. others might complain it’s little – but i felt overpaid cos’ the things i had to do were not exactly difficult and i was not learning / improving myself – skill sets wise and all. in fact i thought i regressed….maybe cos’ i was miserable.

of course there are many things that i had to give up.   one of my greatest gripe is that I can’t be as generous as I was to the people i love…which just plain sucks. i guess i can show my affection through other ways oh?;)

Anyhow, when i made the decision to close the business, my greatest obstacle was how to break the news to my husband who has been very supportive and helping  me along the way – i felt i let him down.  also, how do i tell my nice landlady?  my parents – i knew would be cool with whatever decision i make – but i do want them to be proud and not worry about me.

But after I shared the decision with my husband – a huge sigh of relief and I could  finally get down to wrapping things up.   Strangely i don’t feel any sense of loss – more of a relief!

There are still things to tie up and settle and before it’s done – I still worry.  though after it’s done, I probably will find something else to worry – seriously bad habit which i am trying to cure.  do you have any tips?

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